If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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