dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
