I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
