there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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