I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
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After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
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I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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