put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
