I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
These tits shall not be calmed
Do you have feelings for this penis?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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