it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i dont even know how to be here
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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