my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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