Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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