I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Randomize
