She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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