Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
