I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
