i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
