I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
