some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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