Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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