Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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