i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
