mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
