Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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