Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
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I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
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Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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