Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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