After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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