Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
