i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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