Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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