why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
