if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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