I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
