dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
