How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
