I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
