Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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