Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
