How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
