one two three fourrrrnication!
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
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