I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
