Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
