I didn't shave. On purpose
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
