I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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