So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Randomize
