I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
