His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
