dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
