Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
