I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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