When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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