sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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