Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Randomize
