Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
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