the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
