He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
