I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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