My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
