I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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