I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
