One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
