You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.