Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈