I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.