My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.