I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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