This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
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Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
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I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...